Cooling Conflict with Non-Defensive Listening
Non-Defensive listening is a key skill in conflict resolution and a wonderful tool to support the people we care about. It is a co-regulation technique that recognises the need to establish safety in the heart and mind of the other so they can lift up and out of Fight or Flight.
If someone is verbally attacking you, using a consecutive series of questions can help de-escalate the situation and bring about a sense of calm. It’s important to validate their feelings, show empathy, and guide the conversation towards a constructive resolution. Here’s a sequence of questions designed to achieve this, with placeholders indicating references to the other person’s statements:
Non-Defensive + Active Listening Questions
- “I hear that you’re feeling {{emotion}} about {{issue}}. Can you tell me more about what’s making you feel this way?”
- “It sounds like {{specific aspect mentioned}} is particularly upsetting for you. Did something specific happen to make you feel that way?”
- “You mentioned that {{particular point or event}}. What about that situation made you feel {{emotion}}?”
- “I understand that {{aspect}} is causing frustration. What do you feel would be the best way to address this issue?”
- “You’ve shared that {{concern or problem}} is bothering you. How can we work together to find a solution that makes you feel better?”
- “It seems like your main concern is {{key point}}. What’s one thing that could be done right now to make a positive difference for you?”
- “You said that {{specific statement}}. How do you think we could move forward from here in a way that respects your feelings?”
- “Given what you’ve expressed about {{topic}}, what do you need from me or this situation to start feeling more at ease?”
- “I want to ensure we address your concerns about {{issue}}. Can we outline some steps that might help us resolve this together?”
- “Reflecting on what you’ve said about {{specific detail}}, what would you say is the most important thing for us to focus on right now?”
General Non-Defensive Listening Questions
Here are some questions designed to convey support and understanding, without a specific topic. Memorising these questions, rehearsing them, and applying them when your partner is dysregulated can make a huge positive difference. It’s important that you tailor the language to your own style and wherever possible you review these questions with your partner to determine what they feel will have the highest likelihood of success.
- “I hear that you’re really upset right now; can you share more about what’s making you feel this way?”
- “It seems like this is really important to you; what can I do to support you right now?”
- “I want to understand what you’re going through; can you help me see things from your perspective?”
- “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated; what’s the main thing that’s bothering you?”
- “I’m here for you; can we talk about what you need most at this moment?”
- “I can see this is affecting you deeply; what would help you feel heard and understood?”
- “Your feelings matter to me; can you tell me more about what’s behind your words?”
- “I want to help make things better; can you share with me what you think might help?”
- “It seems like there’s a lot going on for you; what’s one thing that could ease your mind right now?”
- “I’m committed to working through this together; what’s a good place for us to start?”
- “I sense there’s a lot of pain behind your words; would you like to share what’s hurting you?”
- “I know this is hard; what’s something I could do to show you I’m here and I care?”
- “Your feelings are important to me; can we explore what’s really at the heart of this for you?”
- “I believe we can get through this together; what’s the first step we can take towards understanding each other?”
- “I’m here to listen; what do you feel is being overlooked or misunderstood?”
- “I see this is really challenging for you; how can I provide the support you’re looking for?”
- “It’s clear you’re going through a tough time; can we focus on what you need to feel supported?”
- “I’m here to help, not to judge; what’s something you wish I knew about how you’re feeling?”
- “I want to be here for you in the best way I can; can you guide me on how to do that right now?”
- “It looks like we’re both feeling pretty stressed; how can we find a way to calm this situation together?”
- “I’m committed to understanding you better; can you share with me what you think is missing from our communication?”
- “I care about resolving this with you; can you help me understand the best way to move forward?”
- “I’m ready to listen and understand; what’s something that would make you feel more at ease talking about this?”
- “I want to make sure you feel heard; can we take a moment to cool down and revisit what’s most important to you?”
- “I believe we can find a resolution; what are your thoughts on how we can achieve a better understanding?”
